I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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