Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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