If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
