My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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