my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
