you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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