When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
