Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
