Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
