You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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