I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
