They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
