my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
