Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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