i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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