Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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