dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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