dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
