Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
