youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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