sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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