I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
