I swear she didn't look like that last week.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
