i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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