I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Can you bring me the toilet please
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
