she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
