It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
