Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
