I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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