The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
