i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
