Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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