so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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