I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
