so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
