I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
