Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
