I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've blown a few things in my day
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
