shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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