I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
