I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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