did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
