thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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