There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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