She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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