fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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