I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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