I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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