Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he thought i was a dude.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
