mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's blow job season.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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