i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
