I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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